Arsone

My disdain for social media grows more everyday - my cynicism with it. Everything is so cringe and hard to watch. Even the beloved animal content I usually consume is becoming evermore obnoxious, and many I truly believe are staged for views and money, which makes it all the more sickening. Obviously the internet isn’t the real world but it does a great job of revealing just how fucking hateful and loathsome human beings are/can be. The good does not outweigh the bad, I’m afraid.

I’m also sick of coming across posts regarding terrible dating experiences, dying alone, how much men/women suck, it just goes on and on and on - ugh. Personally I find it hard to relate. I haven’t felt any kind of romantic desire or spark for anyone in nearly four years. I just don’t care to date anymore and have lost all interest in men and romance. The lover girl in me has, I think, officially been killed off by the last er, experience I had with a rather sad and pathetic/fearful avoidant member of the opposite sex. Not to demonize that marginal group of people, but he really was awful. In the end, it was my own lack of boundaries and low self esteem that hurt me. While his manipulations and ambiguity were cruel and gave me emotional whiplash, I can’t blame him entirely. His kind preys on women like me and it was my fault for being naive and clutching to tattered hope of believing in others’ Goodness. Oof, am I demonizing fearful avoidants again? My mistake. Did I mention I hate him and would Spartan kick him into an active volcano?

So, no dating, no men, no sex. I am quite literally, celibate. It’s weird to give it a name. I was never very sexually aroused or adventurous growing up. The sexual abuse I endured as a child had a part in it, no doubt. I was often desired and lusted over by men since I was a very young girl, as most women are. As I matured, boys would hit on me and often implied or boldly expressed what they wanted to do. I knew I was attractive then as I do now, and I didn’t participate in casual hookups because I felt it was gross and wrong - for me. It’s a lifestyle that has never aligned with my moral compass or beliefs and never will. Going on without ever having sex again isn’t even considered a loss to me, cause it was never a need. The sexual chemistry I had with my first bf was incredible, and unmatched. I’m only grateful I even had that positive of an experience. The relationship itself? Not so much. Those 11 years together were a lie. But no matter - I’m over him and it.

Now idk if it’s projection from old wounds or a symptom of a cold and hardened heart, but lately I’ve noticed that I don’t even find anyone attractive anymore. The most noticeable reaction I have to seeing peoples faces is usually something between contempt and disgust. Like, I just don’t think I’m attracted to humans anymore. Men and women alike. Obviously I don’t go out of my way to show it because as much as I dislike people, I don’t want to hurt them. I just want to be left alone. But men are horny or in search of love or both, and I have the misfortune of having to cross paths with horny love starved men. It pisses me off. No it’s not their fault. Men courting women they find beautiful has been happening for eons. Not even the ever-growing online discourse between the sexes can stop it and it still annoys tf out of me. What a privileged thing to say right? FiRsT wOrLD Pr0bL3Mz. Boo fucking hoo.

I wish I had my own planet. Or - not to sound suicidal - but not existing sounds like the other ideal turnout. I just want to be alone. I don’t want to be bothered or inconvenienced. I want silence. I want howling winds and whispering trees. I don’t want to talk. The trickle of a quiet little stream can speak for me. Fluttering wings, trembling leaves. Distant thunder. I just wanna be a little hermit crab, or the alternative - dead. But seeing as I’m not in a hurry to die, hermit it is. It is so cruel that the life I want isn’t easily obtainable. Imagine, how expensive and costly of wanting nothing is. I hate this world.

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