Barnaby

While trying to salvage my one and only romantic relationship, I ended up destroying myself and, ironically, destroying what was left of said relationship.

I’d never blame her, the love of my life, for anything, for I am well aware of my moral faults that, while mostly born out of ignorance and immaturity rather than malice, ended up hurting her badly.

I am almost 22 years old, and I realize that, by trying so damn hard to make her happy... to make her forgive my past mistakes, I ended up emptying everything about me and becoming a very unattractive, boring, ugly person; and I genuinely believe that this is what led to our definitive breakup.

I should have aimed to become a good person, someone anyone would be proud to share a past and present with, someone who had the time and means to be caring, and who would inspire her to believe in me. Instead, I tried to shower her with acts of “caring,” I tried to show her my love by “fixing” her life so that I would become an irreplaceable presence. I realize now how pathetic, ugly, and self-centered I was... her life was so hard that I thought that by helping her improve it even a little, I would be her world... but I became nothing.

I don’t like the way I look, I don’t like the way I behave, I don’t like the way I think.

I let go of the resources, time, and energy to take care of myself: I stopped my skincare routine, I stopped exercising, and I gained a lot of weight from coping with sugary foods. I genuinely know I look gross, I’ve known for a long time, really.

Similarly, I let go of my hobbies: piano playing, reading, and gaming. I love classical music, I loved giving recitals, taking lessons, and practicing hard every day; I loved reading fantasy books and submerging myself in the stories, but now I haven’t finished a single book in over a year; I loved playing platformers, getting better, and even trying to speedrun — and I think that while “useless,” this is a better hobby than doomscrolling in bed, since at least you have to get up and use your brain a bit. I realize that letting go of these hobbies made me boring, uninteresting, and unattractive.

I used to be a competitive runner and even made some money off of it, but I just couldn’t find the time or energy to keep at it... I was trying to fix my relationship, after all... every waking minute was dedicated to that end.

Life is all about cycles: my increasing unattractiveness led to a complete halt of any romantic or intimate acts with my partner years ago, which again I can’t blame her for, so I ended up coping with porn and even spending huge amounts of time and money on it... I feel so ashamed of this.

I feel shame, so much shame for everything... shame for myself, and sadness for hurting her so much... I don’t even give myself time to feel hurt — I don’t think I deserve it. But I don’t want to stay this way...

I want to get back my life and body: I want to run and feel good and look good; I want to have good conversations about the books I’m reading or the games I’m playing; I want to save money and get back into music school.

Right now, I am making it a point to myself that I can, at the very least, find the will to live a good life and be a good man for a mere week. So I am making the commitment of maintaining the following habits for the next 7 days: Absolute abstinence from lustful activities. Mindful diet with a calorie deficit, minimizing processed foods. Exercising at least 30 minutes every day without fail. Doing my skincare routine every morning and night. Cleaning my personal spaces 15 minutes every day. Sleeping and waking up at the same time. Being grateful to people and speaking politely, avoiding anger and profanity.

While this is mostly to keep myself in check, thank you to anyone who might be reading this... if you also need help like I do, perhaps we can support each other, as even a small kindness from a stranger means a lot to me.