Anonymous

Wish i could tell you that i am not happy. Wish i could tell you that I don't deserve you, i don't deserve anyone. It's not your fault, not what you signed up for. Wish i was as strong as you, wish i was as dedicated and invested but i am not. I am weak. Many times i have tried working on myself but my desires are stronger than me. Maybe i need to stop being selfish? I don't have the courage to apologize to you as i know it would not be an honest apology. Hope i can forgive myself one day.

You came home tonight and you kissed me on the forehead and asked me about my day. I said it was fine. You believed me because you have no reason not to. That's the thing about you. You trust fully. You don't do it halfway. I used to think that was naive but now I think it might be the bravest thing about you.

I sat across from you at dinner and watched you talk about your coworker and the thing that happened in the meeting and I just kept thinking, you have no idea who you're sitting across from. The person you think I am doesn't exist. I built him for you and I can't even maintain him.

The worst part is you would forgive me. I know you would. You would cry and it would break something between us but you would try. You would go to therapy and read books and do all the work and I would sit there and let you carry it. Because that's what I do. I let people carry things for me and I tell myself I'll get better.

I keep thinking there will be a moment where I change. Where something clicks and I stop being this person. I've been waiting for that moment for years. It doesn't come. You just wake up and you're still you and you make the same choices and you hate yourself for it but not enough to stop.

I'm writing this here because I can't say it to anyone who knows me. I can't say it to you. I can't even say it to myself most days. But it's true and I needed it to exist somewhere outside of my head even if no one ever connects it to me.

You deserve someone who doesn't have to write something like this.