Elias, 29

I went to a birthday party tonight for a girl I barely know. My roommate invited me because he didn't want to go alone. I said yes because I hadn't left the apartment in three days and I was starting to feel like I was disappearing.

The party was at one of those bars on Franklin where everyone is dressed like they're in a movie about people their age. I watched a guy at the bar order an old fashioned and then check his reflection in the mirror behind the bottles. He did it twice. I don't think he knew I was watching. I think most people don't know anyone is watching, which is funny because everyone is always watching.

I sat in a corner with my drink and did the thing I do at parties which is pretend to be on my phone while I listen to other people's conversations. Two girls near me were talking about a third girl who wasn't there. One of them said "she's just not a serious person" in this tone that was supposed to sound sad but was actually pleased. I wrote it down in my notes app. I have a lot of sentences like that saved. I don't know what I'm going to do with them.

My roommate found me eventually and introduced me to the birthday girl. I said happy birthday and she said thanks and that was the whole conversation. She turned back to her friends. I wasn't offended. I was relieved. I don't actually want to talk to people at parties, sometimes I wonder why I even come.

I left around 11. On the train I thought about calling my sister. I didn't. She's been trying to get me to come to Philadelphia for Easter and I keep saying maybe. The truth is I don't like who I am around my family. Around them I'm just the quiet one who went to New York and doesn't really explain what he does. Here I'm a person with a whole inner life that nobody knows about, and that feels more like being alive than being known does.

I got home and my roommate wasn't back yet. I opened the notes app and read through the sentences I've been collecting. Some of them are really good. I think one day I'll do something with them.