Emmar, 32

I wanted to write something profound on this site today, but honestly all I can think about is my relationship so I guess I'll write about that and hope they publish it.

I met my boyfriend on a reality TV show episode that never aired. It was back in 2019 and we had to survive Covid together. I moved to this city with him in 2024. I didn't know anyone but him. I still don't know many people and don't have that many I can call my friends. It didn't matter though. I had my friends from home, most of whom I keep in regular contact with. I won't be like one of those girls who can't fill up a room at their weddings. My point is that I moved to this city because of him and nothing else. We're not in our 20s anymore and I didn't feel a desire to explore the big city.

The question of marriage has always bugged me. It has been a long time and it's something we don't even talk about. I've tried to bring it up a few times but it feels a little weird being one of those girls. I have never been an insecure person and my family is nice enough to not pressure me to marry. But somehow it's been bothering me. I don't know why.

Part of the reason is his work. He goes away a lot and he travels more than he used to — much more than he needs to anyways. I'm worried he's doing that just to get away. I always see him on the phone nowadays. He says it's work but I never smiled at my job that much, he didn't either. He's away on a work trip again. I think he's cheating on me. He's in his hotel right now but not responding to any of my texts and I'm driving myself crazy.

Somehow I find comfort in imagining him with someone else.

Not in the weird way. I asked myself why.

I think it's because I am constantly stuck in this limbo of unknowingness. I would rather know. Knowing gives me more comfort than this. I want to know I made the wrong decision, trusted the wrong person and wasted my time. I think I would be happy if he told me he was cheating. Is that crazy to say?

If I have to imagine something to get me out of this state of unknowingness, why couldn't I just imagine something positive? Maybe he just started caring more about his career? Maybe he fell asleep? Those thoughts are less comforting. It makes me feel like some delusional girl, creating imaginative scenarios in her head to stay in a relationship. I'm not one of those people.

I'm typing this here because I know how it'll sound. You might want to give me advice but you can't, that's why I am typing this here and not texting a friend.

I'll be ok anyways.