Sylv

When you are seeing someone, or doing something for the last time, is it better to know?

This has always been a question that bothered me and is something I’m thinking more about as my time abroad is finishing up. I lost my mother to an accident 6 years ago. She was up and about one day and the next day she was out of my life. Gone. There was no perfect ending, she didn’t get to leave behind any words of wisdom, no reassurances for me. In fact, we had argued that day before. I sometimes still dream about that argument. Like all the arguments we had, it was about something silly. But in my dreams I apologize, hug her and we always end up talking for hours. I dream it because I think that would’ve been a better goodbye. Better, but not perfect.

The thing is, there are probably no perfect goodbyes. Since we can’t get them perfect, sometimes we try to mask it with lies that we make ourselves believe. As I am saying goodbye to my friends in this foreign country, I don’t think I’ll see most of them again. But I lie. I promise visits, and create scenarios where our lives will once again intersect. I make believe that this is not the last time, unwilling to know what might be blatantly obvious.

So what do we do? Should I have said my goodbyes as if it were the last? The Italian goodbye “ci vediamo” which directly translates to “we will see each other” can be followed by the word “dopo” which indicates an established time or date. Although there was no established time, ci vediamo dopo is how we chose to say our goodbyes. A little lie/ misuse of the Italian vocabulary so that we can mask what we know for what we’d rather believe. Something feels weird saying goodbye like it was the last time. It’s as if I’m shutting a door that doesn’t need to be fully closed.