Josh

I’ve spent my whole life denying myself the things I wanted. Maybe I convinced myself that wasn’t true. That I didn’t really need them. That if I truly wanted something, I would simply go after it and take it. Just like that. I was wrong. If you want something, you have to fight for it. You don’t ask. You just take what’s yours.

I’m going to take what’s mine.

I stayed at a job for 7 years that made me smaller every single day. I told myself I was being practical. I told myself stability was the goal. I watched people with half my ability get promoted because they asked for it and I didn’t. I thought my work would speak for itself. It doesn’t. Nothing speaks for itself. You have to open your mouth.

I stayed in a city I didn’t like because my family expected me to. I stayed in an apartment with a roommate who made me feel like a guest in my own home because I didn’t want the confrontation of leaving. I said no to a trip to Portugal because I thought I couldn’t afford it and then spent the same amount that year on things I can’t even remember.

The pattern is always the same. Something I want appears. I talk myself out of it. I find a reason it’s not the right time or the right move or the right version of me to deserve it. And then the thing passes and I feel nothing because I’ve already convinced myself I never wanted it.

So here’s what I’m doing. I applied for a job in a different city. I told my roommate I’m moving out in August. I booked the trip. Not Portugal but somewhere. Somewhere I picked because I wanted to go, not because it was cheap or convenient or what someone else suggested.

None of this is dramatic. None of this would make a movie. It’s a job application and a plane ticket and a conversation with a roommate. But for me it’s the first time in maybe a decade that I did something because I wanted to and not because I was supposed to.

I don’t know if any of it will work out. The job might not call back. The trip might be lonely. The new apartment might be worse. But at least when I look back I won’t have to wonder what would have happened if I tried.

I’m tired of wondering.