Limone

Yes let’s talk whether it’s in person or just in my head I need to talk to you. I need you to see how bad this is affecting me. Even this imaginary version of you, the you I have in my head which might be a little more evil than you actually are.

Because the real you probably isn’t thinking about this at all. The real you is probably eating dinner right now or watching something or texting someone back without it taking 45 minutes to figure out what to say. The real you moved on in a way that I can’t and I don’t know if that makes you healthier than me or just colder.

The you in my head says things you probably wouldn’t say. She says I deserved it. She says I was too much. She says I made it easy to leave. And I know that’s me putting words in your mouth but I can’t stop because if I don’t give you lines then you just stand there silent and the silence is worse.

I keep replaying the last conversation. Not even the words, the feeling of it. The way you were already somewhere else before you finished talking. I could feel you leaving while you were still sitting there. I think that’s the part I can’t get over. Not that you left but that you left before you left. Like I was already alone and didn’t know it yet.

I want to be angry but I’m not. I’m just confused. I keep asking the you in my head questions and she never answers the right way because I’m the one writing her answers and I don’t actually know what you would say. I only know what I’m afraid you would say.

My therapist says I need to stop having conversations with people who aren’t in the room. She’s probably right. But you’re the only one who will sit there and let me talk this long without interrupting.

I know this isn’t healthy. I know I’m talking to no one. But it’s 11pm and I can’t call you and I can’t not talk to you so this is what I have. A blog for strangers and the version of you that lives in my head and never says the right thing.

Maybe one day I’ll forget what your voice sounds like in my head and then I’ll have no one left to argue with. I don’t know if that’s better or worse.