Rune

I cannot move. I cannot sleep. I cannot talk. I cannot eat. I cry. But sometimes my heart cries but my eyes not. I don’t understand, i think and think and think. Sometimes i even cannot think anymore, it is white in my head, just nothing. I am not in my body anymore. So much headache. Why. Why. Why. Why. Months of bullying. No mercy. I did the best i could, there was no more, i gave my all, my days and evenings and even my nights. For months my physical body doesnt work normal. I don’t know what is happening but all that pressure.

I used to like school. I know that sounds stupid but I did. I liked my classes and I had people I sat with at lunch and it was fine. It was normal. Then something changed and I still don’t know what. One day they just decided it was me.

They don’t hit you. That would almost be easier because then someone would have to do something. They do it with looks. With whispering when you walk past. With the screenshot you know they took. With the group chat you know exists. With laughing at something on their phone and then looking at you. With saying your name in a voice that makes other people laugh. You can’t explain any of this to an adult because each thing sounds like nothing. But it’s not nothing. It is every single day.

I told a teacher. She said she would keep an eye on it. I don’t know what that means. Nothing changed. I told my mom. She said to ignore them. I am ignoring them. I have been ignoring them for months. My body is not ignoring them.

I get ready in the morning and I stand at the door and I can’t open it. My mom thinks I am slow. I am not slow. I am trying to make myself leave. Some mornings it takes a long time. Some mornings I go back to my room and sit on the floor and miss first period.

The cafeteria is the worst part. I eat in the bathroom now. Not every day but most days. I know how that sounds. I just can’t sit there anymore.

I don’t know who I am writing this for. Nobody is going to read this and fix it. I just needed to say it somewhere because I can’t say it out loud anymore. Every time I try to explain it my throat closes and nothing comes out.

I am so tired.