Samuel

I’m going through a tough time dealing with the anxiety of a potential cancer diagnosis and the one person I want to talk to, I can’t.

My spouse is not taking my anxiety and depression of the situation well. He has expressed he’s not doing okay. I really need him right now to support me while I navigate this, but he’s not emotionally available.

Today was the appointment to check the lump I found a week ago. I have convinced myself it is probably just swollen lymph nodes and everything will be fine. But when the doctor felt where the lump was, I could see her face drop. I have an appointment tomorrow for scans.

The first person I contacted when I got in the car was my spouse. I told him I was freaking out inside and trying to hold it together. When he got home from work he didn’t even hug me or comfort me in anyway. I was on the verge of tears staying strong for the kids. My spouse just wanted to talk about dinner plans, the issues his friend is going through and who’s going to watch our youngest while I’m at the appointment tomorrow. It felt lonely.

Later I was lying in bed trying to just get myself to let go and cry and he came in. I moved over and dragged him into bed next to me and silently started crying. He told me that none of this has hit him yet and he’s just fine, while I’m scared and crying on him. He said he is just going to act like there nothing wrong. I told him that made me feel incredibly lonely.

I truly feel like I have no support right now. I don’t feel comforted or calmed or reassured in anyway. I know nothing is confirmed yet but it doesn’t make me less scared.

I keep scrolling to your name and thinking of texting you to tell you what I’m going through, but I can’t. I can’t talk to the one person who was once my best friend. Maybe if I see you on Friday, we can have lunch and I can open up to you. Maybe, but I doubt it.

I’m scared and alone.