Sarah

I remember the first time. It was dark and quiet and everything felt cold or hopeless. It was new year and i had to wake up early to visit my relatives. It was 4am and i hadn slept. I cycled to to the park, i was scared, i played my favourite song, death with dignity by sufjan stevens. Fitting. I didnt know how to do it. I reached the beach, i think my earphones was still in my ears as i stepped into the water. My favourite song on repeat, it gave me strength. I dipped my head into the water and stayed there as long as i could. But my body fought against me and i kept coming out of the water. Idk what i thought would happen, that i could drown so easily. It was a pathetic attempt. I suddenly thought about this after a long time. It was bout 3 years ago.

Someone from my past who i wronged keep appearing back into my life, under the most random circumstances, and even if i leave again this time i will inevitably see her again. It was maybe a few months after the beach thing, that i first met her. I did some bad things, probably gave her trauma as 3 years later she has not forgotten about or let go. I dont blame her it was my fault. I kept pressuring her to have sex with me, i lied to her and played her feelings. I did care bout her. This time i feel like i have to make things right, idk how to help her, i dont like seeing her like this, i dont like being reminded of the past. Part of me wants to run, once again, i know i have changed, matured, or at least i hope. But i am responsible for her, but idk what to do either. Staying with her wont help her i think.

I keep running and running, from my past, by actively trying to change myself everyday, to become the person i can be proud of. But my mistakes always come back to haunt me. Even if i have truly changed, my mistakes will always be a part of me.