Soyeon, 58
Midtown, Manhattan
Today was a good day. I cleaned the apartment. It takes about two hours because I am thorough. Then I made doenjang jjigae and put it in the fridge for when he comes home. He will probably eat it at midnight. Sometimes he eats it and sometimes he orders something on his phone instead. I don't say anything about this.
His grandmother called today. My mother. She is 81 and she calls every week. I asked him to speak with her before he left for class. He said hi and then gave the phone back to me after maybe one minute. He spoke in English the whole time. She doesn't understand English. He knows this. When I told him to speak Korean he said he doesn't really know how to say what he wants to say in Korean. This is not true. He spoke Korean fluently until he was 14.
My son is good. Although, sometimes I watch him and think, I did not teach him this. He is not mean to me. But he is not nice to me also. I raised him by myself so it is because of me. I don't tell people it is because of me, but I know.
I still think, when I was his age I already finished my degree and was working. I had a good career. I think about this sometimes when I am folding his clothes. Not in a sad way but in a think-about-it way.
He has started wearing very fancy clothes to go out at night. They go to restaurants that are too expensive for college students. The way he holds his phone when he talks, like the person on the other end should feel lucky. I have seen this before.
I came to New York City because I wanted to be near him during these years. I thought if I was here I could still change the man he becomes. I am less sure about this now. He is polite to me in the way that people are polite to strangers. He is not rude. He is just far away even when he is sitting in my kitchen eating the food I made.
I had coffee today with a woman I know from the building. She is also Korean but she has been here for 20 years. She talks about things I don't always understand. She is very interested in what her children think of her. Whether they appreciate her. I don't think about it like this. I am not here so he appreciates me. I am here so he turns out okay. These are different things and I think she does not see the difference.
Tonight I will make galbi for tomorrow. He told me his friend is coming over. When he has a friend over he is always nicer to me. He introduces me and tells them I was an engineer. I don't know why he only remembers this when someone is watching.