Tara

I dont understand my husband. Maybe I never did. We’ve been married 29 years. 2 kids, happily and healthily grown. We didn’t fight much, me and him. I think we are just not the type. But I could. Then again, I’d feel like I was being unreasonable. He would just get quiet, but he was upset, that I know.

Thinking back on our marriage, I realize I never wanted him. I guess I never wanted him in ways people in books or movies describe. I always wrote that off as fiction. But now I see my daughter with her husband. She tells me about their relationship. She tells me how much she loves him. I don’t think I ever felt like that. I didn’t expect that for myself. I think my husband and I never expected much for ourselves.

He does everything on his own. Today I asked if he wanted to take a walk with me. He didn’t want to and so he didn’t. And I am out by myself.

Should I have waited for more? Should I have waited for real love, real happiness? But again I look at my daughters. I look at them and hate myself for thinking that.

They wouldn’t be here. Maybe some version of them would be, but not them.

I look at them and trick myself into thinking I am happy somehow.